- At 9:00 A.M. Friday morning I entered the Mecca of Discontent (employee kitchen) to clock in and saw this existential wall hanging staring back at me. It scared me.
- At 1:00 P.M. Staff received the following email sent by Human Resources:
“Hi All! Joe Palooka Sand Bag is turning 50 on November 8th!!! She will be out of the office on this day, but I would like to celebrate this special occasion on Monday, November 7th with cupcakes and good wishes. Birthday cards will circulate the office. If you would like to contribute towards a gift, please stop by my office or email me no later than Friday, November 4th. Thank you and have a great weekend!”
Firstly, nobody on staff likes the Sandbag — Middle Manager, infantilizer and control freak. She once patted me on the head during a meeting and I went for her ankle.
Secondly, never ask underpaid staff for money. Last year, when an employee’s mother died in a galaxy far, far away, The Dark Force — Middle Manager, BBB (bossy beyond belief) — sent out a guilt-tripping email asking staff to contribute money to bury the woman’s mother, who happened to have passed away in BBB’s homeland. Coincidence?
Thirdly, cards — plural — will circulate the office. One birthday card is not enough? And how will the cards be circulated? On the wings of a snow white dove?
Fourthly, and undoubtedly on everyone’s mind, why on earth would she think November 8th is a “special occasion” to anyone other than the Sandbag?
- Lastly and leastly, at 3:00 P.M., the entire office received this weird and wearied email from Managing Partner and Party Animal Mr. Ed.
“As you all know Monday is Halloween…from time to time people have worn costumes and others have thought too [sic] but may have been too shy. This year we think it would be fun to invite you to wear a costume ( office appropriate please ) and we will award 3 prizes for the best ones…not sure who will be on the Judges Committee ! Enjoy the weekend.”
What kind of half-baked B.S. email is that? Is he on drugs? As if anyone is going to ruin their Saturday and go shopping for a death mask at the 99-cent store because they were so moved by this vagary: “from time to time, people have worn costumes”
Come Monday, if Mr. Ed balks about my not being in costume…
I will simply reply, “Introvert.”
What exactly is an office-appropriate costume?