Party Animal

  • At 9:00 A.M. Friday morning I entered the Mecca of Discontent (employee kitchen) to clock in and saw this existential wall hanging staring back at me. It scared me.


  • At 1:00 P.M. Staff received the following email sent by Human Resources:

palooka“Hi All! Joe Palooka Sand Bag is turning 50 on November 8th!!! She will be out of the office on this day, but I would like to celebrate this special occasion on Monday, November 7th with cupcakes and good wishes. Birthday cards will circulate the office. If you would like to contribute towards a gift, please stop by my office or email me no later than Friday, November 4th. Thank you and have a great weekend!”




Firstly, nobody on staff likes the Sandbag — Middle Manager, infantilizer and control freak. She once patted me on the head during a meeting and I went for her ankle.

Secondly, never ask underpaid staff for money. Last year, when an employee’s mother died in a galaxy far, far away, The Dark Force — Middle Manager, BBB (bossy beyond belief) — sent out a guilt-tripping email asking staff to contribute money to bury the woman’s mother, who happened to have passed away in BBB’s homeland. Coincidence?

Thirdly, cards — plural — will circulate the office. One birthday card is not enough? And how will the cards be circulated? On the wings of a snow white dove?

Fourthly, and undoubtedly on everyone’s mind, why on earth would she think November 8th is a “special occasion” to anyone other than the Sandbag?

  • Lastly and leastly, at 3:00 P.M., the entire office received this weird and wearied email from Managing Partner and Party Animal Mr. Ed.
  • “As you all know Monday is Halloween…from time to time people have worn costumes and others have thought too [sic] but may have been too shy. This year we think it would be fun to invite you to wear a costume ( office appropriate please ) and we will award 3 prizes for the best ones…not sure who will be on the Judges Committee ! Enjoy the weekend.”

What kind of half-baked B.S. email is that? Is he on drugs? As if anyone is going to ruin their Saturday and go shopping for a death mask at the 99-cent store because they were so moved by this vagary: “from time to time, people have worn costumes” 

Come Monday, if Mr. Ed balks about my not being in costume…

I will simply reply, “Introvert.”

What exactly is an office-appropriate costume?

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